Why Most People Struggle to Pray
and it's not what you think...
I know what it’s like to hunger for a faith that feels alive.
And I know what it’s like to find yourself buried under the weight of doing instead — reciting the words, showing up, trying harder, and still feeling quietly far from God. Still feeling like you’re standing at a distance you don’t know how to cross.
That distance has a name. And it isn’t failure.
Here is what I have come to believe, after years of coaching women through exactly this experience: most of us were never taught to walk. We were taught to perform. Say the words, mean them sincerely, try to focus, and if your mind wanders — try harder. Which is a little like handing someone a pilgrim’s staff and a map and then telling them to stand still and concentrate very hard on the destination.
It doesn’t work. It was never going to work. And the guilt that accumulates from years of trying and drifting and trying again is one of the heaviest things I know.
Here’s what nobody told you: your mind is not broken. It is doing exactly what minds do — scanning, associating, planning, protecting, cataloguing your grocery needs. The contemplatives called it the vagus animus, the wandering mind, and they were extremely clear-eyed about it. Blaise Pascal called it a “wandering and undulating thing.” The desert fathers built entire systems around the simple, unglamorous truth that the mind needs something to hold onto — or it will wander straight back to whatever is nearest.
Which is usually the pantry.
What those ancient walkers understood — and what we have almost entirely lost — is that a pilgrim doesn’t reach the destination by concentrating harder. A pilgrim reaches it by walking. One step, then another. And when the path disappears, as it always does, a pilgrim doesn’t panic. A pilgrim simply finds it again and keeps going.
This is what prayer was always meant to be. Not a performance you succeed or fail at depending on how well your mind behaved. It’s a walk. A sacred, embodied, one-step-at-a-time movement toward God — and back, and toward again — that shapes you not in the dramatic moments but in the faithful, ordinary returning.
The shift that changed everything for me was surprisingly simple: I stopped trying to stay focused and started learning how to return. Gently. Without judgment. Just — oh, there I go — and back. Again and again, like a pilgrim who keeps finding the path. Each return as valid as the last. Each return, some of the wisest people who ever prayed would tell you, as holy as anything.
I know what it’s like to hunger for a faith that feels alive. I also know what it’s like to find, quite unexpectedly, a path that leads somewhere real.
Next week I want to tell you about the path I found. I wasn’t looking for it. I was searching for something else entirely, and a name stopped me cold.
Two words. Five centuries old. And closer than you think.
Darlene Hull is a Certified Mental Health, Human Flourishing, and Insight Coach who guides Christian women to structural peace. Drawing on years of contemplative practice, Spiritual Formation coaching, and the rich heritage of Celtic Christian wisdom and ancient practices of the church, Darlene’s focus is simple: dismantling the exhaustion of spiritual performance and leading clients into the stable rest (Menuchah) secured by Christ’s finished work.
Darlene is a partner in the Order of Imago Christi (OIC)and a vowed member of the Order of the Mustard Seed (OMS). She works as a Spiritual Formation Coach and Christian Life Coach from her home in Calgary, Alberta. When not writing or coaching, Darlene rounds out her life with long walks, voracious reading, endless cups of strong tea, and a ridiculous amount of laughter.
Note that Darlene is NOT a therapist, counselor, or psychologist. PraiseWalker coaching and resources are designed for spiritual and emotional support and are not a substitute for professional clinical therapy or medical care.
Find out more about Darlene here: PraiseWalker.com
Photo by Keith Hardy on Unsplash
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All Biblical quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, Copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.
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